I remember when my maternal grandmother (my best friend!) died the summer before ninth grade. Talk about being heartbroken! All the adults seemed to be keeping secrets & walking on invisible, fragile glass floors. So, I modeled them. I kept quiet, swallowed the idea of the end of a thing, & just moved on. My dad allowed me to drop two tears at the funeral & then said something along the lines of, “Aww come on; stop that. You don’t have to cry.” Bless his heart.
Anyway, that was my lesson on grief. Grief gets in the way of progress. Grief disrupts other people’s normal. Grief is inconvenient. The world does not stop for grief. So, when did I cry for my grandmother? When did I finally ask God why? It wasn’t until five years later. I was a freshman in college, alone in my dorm on a Saturday afternoon. I glanced at a picture of her that’d I’d placed on my tan, standard-college-furniture desk. I looked at it all the time but this time, I grieved! I sobbed, I laughed, I asked her if I was doing things right & if she was proud. I wept myself into a nap. Five years later and it was still so fresh.
Fast forward…
Now, I pride myself in my ability to label my feelings and have a grip on my emotions, but grief is one emotion that I dodge. Thankfully, I haven’t had to grieve the loss of a dear loved one in years but I have delayed grieving over other losses and endings. Every season and life change brings a dose of sadness. I know that change is good, but when you’re an empath and deep lover of people, you’re just one walking Boyz II Men track… “It’s so haaaaarrrrrd to say goodbyyyye to yesterdaay…”
It’s difficult for me to let go of good people when life takes us into different directions. It’s easy to let go when there’s beef or disagreements. But it’s so hard for me when good things and good connections come to an end. The same may be true for some of you reading this. I just want to encourage those of us who have a hard time letting go that it’s ok.
I’m learning a hard lesson in not forcing things to remain the same. I’m also working on accepting changes in relationships instead of blaming myself. There’s this odd guilt that I carry for not being able to keep up with good people that I’ve met over the past few years; I wonder if they fault me for distance. I’m starting to embrace my own limited capacity to manage friendships and I’m growing in my understanding that I don’t have to be everyone’s go-to person. So, friends, let’s go easy on ourselves and one another as we navigate life changes and those circumstances affecting our connections. Let’s give ourselves room to evolve and adjust…and to be sad about time bringing about change.
The uncomfortable part is the awkward transitions and distance. The honest part is that there’s a grief attached to good and bad changes. The beautiful resolve is that it won’t be awkward and sad for long, and the relationships that are meant to last will do just that.